Rollercoaster life

The past few weeks have seen some huge highs and some very very down lows. :( 

I know life can't always be up and up but really. I need a break. 

A few weeks ago, life looked great and my husband had even been told he would teach three classes at BYU which is exactly what we wanted. Then one day he got a call . . . . from a university down in Alabama, one of the many places that were seeking a Spanish teacher and he applied to. They wanted to interview him!!! So we were naturally thrilled and he prepared for it and told BYU about the interviews. He of course did great, (I know I might be a little biased, but he is really REALLY good at languages.) he told me what they asked him, what he said and so on. The next day they wanted a 2nd interview! We were even happier. We started imagining life down South and had things we started to look forward to, like a HOUSE! :) They said we should know by the end of that week if he had it or not. A few days passed and they emailed him saying they wanted to skype interview him two more times the next week. We were still excited but more reserved. Their school starts about the middle of August. Leaving us only a week and a half to pack up and move if he got the job. It made me very nervous and sad thinking about the little time I would have to say goodbye to my family, friends and favorite places in my home state. His 3rd and 4th interview came and went and two more days passed till we heard from them. I was in a foul mood and irritated we had waited so long to know whether or not he had the job. Basically knowing if he had the job we would need everything in a moving truck in a week. He left for work on Friday still not knowing. Later that day he called me telling me he didn't have the job and felt relieved. 

People don't normally celebrate and feel happy after being told they didn't have the job and being so close to being chosen and offered a full time job with great benefits. But I did oddly enough. I didn't mind having more time in Utah. I know eventually we will leave but in a better circumstance I would hope than packing everything in a week and moving with 3 young boys across the country. lol. 

Later that day Jason's attitude was changed as he felt depressed at not having a full time job and securing and providing for our future. I reminded him of how he felt earlier when he got the news and I told him that our future was secure. As long as we were doing our best, putting our trust in Heavenly Father and moving forward with faith, he would help us! Heavenly Father knows where we need to be and if we stayed strong in the gospel, the Holy Ghost would guide us and protect us. 

With Alabama taking so long to tell us the outcome, things had changed. BYU may not be able to give Jason a job. Where before he could have had 3 classes, we will be lucky with 1 or 2. Also, besides maybe not having a job, we are searching for a new place to call home. Originally looking for larger places to accommodate our growing family. We are now downsizing and looking at smaller and cheaper homes to rent taking in the fact Jason might not be making as much as he would like. 

Yet, in the midst of searching for jobs and homes and other problems in our life. I have found reasons to smile. 

My darling and wonderful husband and our boys. I am soo in love with them. I'm grateful to not have to worry about having a husband who is a picky eater, or who is abusive, or who cheats or puts me down. He is kind, loving, works hard and is making me laugh almost every day. Also my little men. They make me so grateful to be a mom. I never imagined anything more rewarding than raising children. Also last night when I was so tired and drained from worry about everything going on, little Vince woke up and when I went to pick him up, he smiled at me. Oh those super adorable smiles of his!! He made me smile and feel so much better. I love cuddling with him and holding him in my arms. I have such an incredible little family, that despite all the problems and lows in my life, my men are my rays of sunshine. :)

Father's day, a day of pain and incredible joy

This coming Sunday is Father's day . . . . the only reason I have to celebrate that day is for my incredible husband, the father of my three children.

Jason is fantastic and shows love to our boys. He plays with them, hide and seek, building blocks and towers, throwing ball with them, lifting them up to play airplane/superman. He reads them a book or two almost every night. He is even a Father who is not afraid to change diapers!!! He does so much for them and loves to spoil them. Lately he's taken up beat boxing with William which is super adorable. Alyx and William are daddy's boys and fight over who gets to be on his lap. They always want to be next to him from waking in the morning to when we go for walks and wanting to hold his hand. I know they love me, but they look up to their daddy and adore him. It was also 5 years ago that I told Jason on Father's day that I was pregnant and he was going to become a daddy. :)

It makes me super happy. Seeing Jason taking care of Alyx, William, and Vincent.

For a long time, I have thought about writing about a source of pain in my life. I like to think that I'm strong and not weak. But it just isn't so. So I'm taking a moment to write a small part of the broken little girl inside of me.

I could have been a daddy's girl. For a part of my life, I was. But the hero I once thought my father to be, turned out to be the villain. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Not every biological father acts like a dad. Most of my life I tried to have my father proud of me, I tried to make him happy and wanted him to see me as who I was. But he was constantly trying to mold me into what HE wanted me to be. He constantly hurt my mother, my sisters and myself. I tried my best to stand up to him. I tried to tell him how I felt, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires. He laughed, he yelled at me, he swore, didn't care if he hurt me. The man that was supposed to protect and love me and comfort me.  . .  was not my father. When trying to do the right things in my life, I did not receive support or happiness from him. All I got were put downs. It killed me. Growing up, I wanted him to see that I was not a little girl anymore. That I was a young woman and out on my own and surviving. I had hopes that he might soften once I was an adult and realize how much he's missed out on. Marriage, kids . . . he broke my heart further by showing no interest in his son in law or grandsons. Only when it made him the spotlight and was in his best interest to make him look good. Not many people know how he really is because he can be really charming and funny.

Even when I turned 25, that morning I broke down crying, and was a bit depressed. Knowing my father didn't care about his firstborn and doesn't put forth any effort to try to have a good relationship with me.

But that is just a small summary of my pain that I normally have tucked away. Hidden. Just know, I don't have perfect life at all. I'm not always happy. But thank goodness I have my wonderful, sweet and loving husband Jason, to rescue me from all the dragons and pain life has thrown me. He is always there for me when I need him. He listens to me, and lets me cry. He makes me feel so totally loved and cared for. Jason makes me happy and feel secure. He works super hard for me and for our children. He is an amazing father and I thank him for that. I am so grateful that he loves kids and is able to support us enough so that I can be a stay at home mom. Even more so is that he wants me to be there for our kids. He shares and supports my personal dreams as I do his. We have dreams that we want to do together. I am so in love with this man of mine and thank Heavenly Father for bringing us together. MY TRUE Father in Heaven who I know loves me as I am his daughter.