April Fools, this is not a joke

What I'm about to say, is all in seriousness.

On April Fools day, I was planning on telling my family that I was pregnant. People do that kind of thing all the time on April Fools day. Some people would believe them, some people knew it would be just a joke. This is what I was counting on, people thinking it was just a joke, but the joke would be that it was the truth. So we would really fool them. It was supposed to be a wonderful day, and we would enjoy General Conference together and have a great time.

Life sometimes doesn't go the way you want it to.

Almost a week and a half before April 1st, my pregnancy took a nasty painful turn. I lost my baby.

I remember when Jason and I went to the hospital, I couldn't stop crying during the ultrasound. I prayed and prayed while trying to wipe the tears from my face. I pictured my Grandma Taylor (my mom's mom) who had died when I was seven, comforting me. I held onto that feeling through the process. I know now that my spirit had known then that my baby was gone while my physical self was still holding onto hope that my baby would be ok. Later the doctor called and gave me the sad news.

I wasn't super far along, but I was still super attached to that baby inside of me. When we lost our baby, I was very confused. Months and months ago, I had received thoughts and impressions from the Spirit that told me we were supposed to have another child. So I trusted in the Lord, Jason and I prayed and felt good in what was to come. When we found out we were pregnant, we were very excited and happy. We were teaching Alyx to say baby and looking at baby names. So it was very difficult to understand why we lost our baby when we were told that we should have another one. Our pain was immense and still is to some degree. But we prayed for help and understanding. I had a blessing that was exactly what I needed. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, those words turned into the poem The day I hold you.

It still is hard for me to know that my baby is gone. We might never know why exactly I lost the baby, but I'm holding onto the thoughts that I'll have that baby come back to me someday. Maybe I went through this experience because the baby's body had something wrong with it, or that I might be able to help others who go through the same thing as I did. But whatever reason it was, I know that I will be able to have kids still and  that it wasn't my fault.

I wrote this because I needed to write it down, to express my sorrow and heartache. To get it out there and maybe show that my life is not always happy. That I go through trials too. I am not so strong as people think I am. But I am doing my best and living life. 

My baby boy is growing up

So it's been a while since I have blogged about my family life. My apologies, I really meant to blog a few times, but life has gotten in the way and so many things have been happening.

Alyx is now 1 years old. Really he's thirteen months and a half or so. lol. I've come to appreciate Alyx more than I ever thought I could, due to some recent happenings in my life (will talk about that later in the next blog) and how much I love him and am grateful that he came into my life in the form of a little boy.

Alyxander Michael Wilber, how did he grow up so fast?! He came into the world as one of the most alert babies I know. Always looking around at people and things. Said 'ma ma' at 6 months and crawling at 7. Now he's soon to be walking in a week or so as he is constantly standing and taking steps. He says 'uh oh' and we're trying to teach him 'da da'. Such a happy little guy who loves his family and laughs every day, as well as making others smile and laugh. He is a world traveler already and will continue to travel in the next few years of his life. To one or two other states and maybe another country!!! YAY!! Not only that, but Alyx is very very tuned in with emotions. He loves giving hugs and is so precious to me. I love my little boy.

Here's just a few favorite pics in the first year of his life . . . .

would have other pictures but I can't find them at the moment . . . grrr. Just know that he's a handsome stud and has an adorable smile. :) He's also looking more like a little boy and losing his baby look.