Father's day, a day of pain and incredible joy

This coming Sunday is Father's day . . . . the only reason I have to celebrate that day is for my incredible husband, the father of my three children.

Jason is fantastic and shows love to our boys. He plays with them, hide and seek, building blocks and towers, throwing ball with them, lifting them up to play airplane/superman. He reads them a book or two almost every night. He is even a Father who is not afraid to change diapers!!! He does so much for them and loves to spoil them. Lately he's taken up beat boxing with William which is super adorable. Alyx and William are daddy's boys and fight over who gets to be on his lap. They always want to be next to him from waking in the morning to when we go for walks and wanting to hold his hand. I know they love me, but they look up to their daddy and adore him. It was also 5 years ago that I told Jason on Father's day that I was pregnant and he was going to become a daddy. :)

It makes me super happy. Seeing Jason taking care of Alyx, William, and Vincent.

For a long time, I have thought about writing about a source of pain in my life. I like to think that I'm strong and not weak. But it just isn't so. So I'm taking a moment to write a small part of the broken little girl inside of me.

I could have been a daddy's girl. For a part of my life, I was. But the hero I once thought my father to be, turned out to be the villain. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Not every biological father acts like a dad. Most of my life I tried to have my father proud of me, I tried to make him happy and wanted him to see me as who I was. But he was constantly trying to mold me into what HE wanted me to be. He constantly hurt my mother, my sisters and myself. I tried my best to stand up to him. I tried to tell him how I felt, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires. He laughed, he yelled at me, he swore, didn't care if he hurt me. The man that was supposed to protect and love me and comfort me.  . .  was not my father. When trying to do the right things in my life, I did not receive support or happiness from him. All I got were put downs. It killed me. Growing up, I wanted him to see that I was not a little girl anymore. That I was a young woman and out on my own and surviving. I had hopes that he might soften once I was an adult and realize how much he's missed out on. Marriage, kids . . . he broke my heart further by showing no interest in his son in law or grandsons. Only when it made him the spotlight and was in his best interest to make him look good. Not many people know how he really is because he can be really charming and funny.

Even when I turned 25, that morning I broke down crying, and was a bit depressed. Knowing my father didn't care about his firstborn and doesn't put forth any effort to try to have a good relationship with me.

But that is just a small summary of my pain that I normally have tucked away. Hidden. Just know, I don't have perfect life at all. I'm not always happy. But thank goodness I have my wonderful, sweet and loving husband Jason, to rescue me from all the dragons and pain life has thrown me. He is always there for me when I need him. He listens to me, and lets me cry. He makes me feel so totally loved and cared for. Jason makes me happy and feel secure. He works super hard for me and for our children. He is an amazing father and I thank him for that. I am so grateful that he loves kids and is able to support us enough so that I can be a stay at home mom. Even more so is that he wants me to be there for our kids. He shares and supports my personal dreams as I do his. We have dreams that we want to do together. I am so in love with this man of mine and thank Heavenly Father for bringing us together. MY TRUE Father in Heaven who I know loves me as I am his daughter.